Facing the Giants

Omg! Yesterday was the worst day I have had in a long time! I started my new job and had to leave Easton! This is a heartbreak like I have never felt before in my life! I'm fearful of the unknown. It feels like I am facing a giant... Some of you are probably like really, a giant? But I know you moms understand.

I have faced ALOT and I mean ALOT of giants in my life, but God has always helped me defeat them one by one. 

I have heard the story of David and Goliath 100 times over, but yesterday at church it touched my heart and was exactly what I needed to hear.

You can read the story in 1 samuel 17. The philistines had gathered for a war against the Israelites. They camped for battle on opposite sides of a deep valley. Goliath was the Philistines reassurance that they could defeat Israel. He was over 9 ft tall and wore over 150lbs of armor. All of Israel was terrified and would run whenever Goliath stepped forward.

I have always invisioned him looking like the motorcycle man off raising arizona...

Yes, that's a rabbit he blew up on the side of the road with a grenade... SCARY...

I have always had a bad habit of running from giants in my life. My number one strength is positivity so I tend to avoid conflict. I internalize my fears and dissapointments. I go through great lengths to keep the peace and pretend I am A Ok.

So David, who was only a teenager was sent to the battle lines to bring food to his brother and bring back news of what was going on.

David was only a shepard, but was strong in his faith. With God's help in the past he had defeated a lion and a bear. He decided he would volunteer to fight Goliath.

 "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied ... today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air ... and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel ... it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord's, and he will give all of you into our hands."

David reached into his bag and slung one of his stones at Goliath's head. Finding a hole in the armor, the stone sank into the giant's forehead and he fell face down on the ground. David then took Goliath's sword and killed him. The Philistines saw that their hero was dead so they ran, but were defeated by Israel.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

David defeated Goliath with the power of God. He gave him strength and courage to get the job done.

I know he will do the same for me and has helped me get through this hard day and will help me in the weeks to come.

As for Easton... here is a picture of him with his Papa today. He is smiling and is doing just fine without me. 

Keep the prayers coming people! 

You have called me higher

I have had the privilege to stay at home with little E for about 4 months now! It has been such a blessing! The time has come to go back to work...

"The time has come," the walrus said, 

"To talk of other things 

Of shoes and ships and ceiling wax 

Of cabagges and kings 

And while the see is boiling hot 

And whether pigs have wings 

Kaloo Kalay no work today 

We're cabbages and kings" 

Haha! Yeah I just took you WAY back. Alice and Wonderland was one of my favorite movies growing up! Eventhough some parts were kinda creepy :) Wwwhhooo aaarrree you?

So the time has come to go back to work... I contemplated part time, staying at home, and even possibly finding a different career field. I prayed and prayed about it when I was pregnant and still do everynight. Guess who came through for me once again? The big man upstairs.

I am starting a new job and I am very excited. It's very bittersweet because I am going to so miss that time with my little man. 

After having so many struggles growing up I really feel that I was called  by God to help others and that calling has never wavered. For me that was to be a social worker and counselor. I never changed degree paths or ever felt like I wasn't doing what I was supposed to.

"For the gifts and calling of God are unchangeable." Romans 11:29

I applied for the job I will be starting LAST OCTOBER! They waited on me for awhile when I was on bed rest and now I've waited on them. You cannot tell me that isn't a God thing. God delayed the hiring 7 months... all in his timing. He has put me once again right where he wants me.

At times I have really questioned God's calling for me. I had many sleepless nights of being on call, heartbreak from patients passing or commiting suicide, and I was screamed and yelled at quite a few times. Oh and not to mention "bit bit," my patients dog peeing on my laptop. Sometimes my calling felt like a curse. 

It never failed when I had those bad days someone or something would pick me back up. It might have been a thank you card, a compliment, or even me just having a moment of realization that I was making a difference in someone's life.

I had seriously the sweetest little patient one time while I was working for hospice. She was one of the most feminine and genuine people I have ever met. She was always dressed in floral patterns and would stare out her shuttered windows at the birds. She asked if I could come see her daily! :) She would always tell me that my smile was the highlight of her day!

She was declining and I will never forget the last day I saw her. I was about to leave and she asked if I could stay a little longer so she could stare at my "beautiful face." She passed 2 days later. 

If that's not rewarding I don't know what is....

I was listening to a song the other day, "called me higher" by sons and daughters. 

The words say you have called me higher, you have called me deeper, I go where you will lead me lord. 

He has called me higher. He has called me deeper. I am going where he leads me. 

The House That Built Me

They say home is where the dog hair sticks to everything, but the dog. Oh geez, isn't that the truth!  ;)

No, but really "home" is not JUST a house. It's a feeling. It's family. It's love. That's home. 

"Home" still calls me daily. It's kinda funny because after all of these years "home" has changed alot for me. I have my own little family now, but "home" has always been and will always be my true blue momma.

So what's so special about this little lady, you ask? I could go on all day about her...

She taught me to laugh. I'll never forget the time she fell off the dryer and grabbed the freezer door on the way down and laid in the floor with frozen veggies surrounding her. Or the time we were in the mcdonalds line and she bumped the person in front of her and she told me "omg, i've never done that before." She forgot it was me with her the day before when she had done the same exact thing in the same mcdonalds line. I'm telling you we are suckers for those double cheeseburgers.

She taught me to dream. Sometimes it was for a house for our family, going to college, or becoming a country music star. "So much for pretending." I was obsessed with Bryan White. Not exactly sure why... lol! The sky was the limit and she made sure we knew that. We spent alot of time talking about our dreams and she was the driving force that put our dreams into action. 

She taught me to see the beauty in life. Our house was small, but God knew where we lived. We always had a beautiful garden in the front yard full of wildflowers. And let me tell you we seriously changed the paint color on the walls about every 2 months. She could beautify anything!

She taught me to love with everything I have. I believe a mother's love has to be the closest thing to God's love here on earth. My mother loves people and she taught me to do the same. I cannot tell you how many times she gave money she didn't have to a client of stranger. She would give you the shirt off her back and I mean literally! My mom would always have to watch what she wore to my grandma's house because often she would come home without it! She has always been so selfless!

My mother is everything I long to be. She is my rock, my best friend, mentor, and has always been my soft place to land. She has molded me into who I am today. She built me.

If a house is a home then my mother is the house that built me. 

Love you mom! Happy Birthday and Mother's Day!

“When God Created Mothers"

When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one." 

And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands." 

The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way." 

It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have." 

That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded. 

One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word." 

God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...." 

I can't," said God, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower." 

The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed. 

But tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure." 

Can it think?" 

Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator. 

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. 

There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model." 

It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear." 

What's it for?" 

It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride." 

You are a genius, " said the angel. 

Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there.” 

― Erma Bombeck

Locked out of heaven

And you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven...

Oh yeah yeah... Oh yeah yeah yeah

I love Bruno Mars. He is AMAZING and very talented. I know what the song is really about and its not in the literal sense. 

I was listening to this on my ipod and was thinking of how many people really probably do feel as though they will pass on, arrive to heaven's gates, and it has just been shut and locked "click." With a man dressed in a red suit, you know who, saying "bring em on down to satanville" Did I mention I love JT and SNL too?

No, but really they feel as though they are not worthy of heaven or God's love. I've been there and I completely understand. I have done things in my life that have made me believe I am not deserving. And I know Christianity turns alot of people off because they feel as though they are being judged. You gotta go to church, you have to tithe, no drinking, cussing, oh and you over there listen to the wrong music. This is what the text says it takes to get to heaven. 

Romans 10:9 If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

Mark 16:16: Jesus says, "He who believes and is baptized will be saved, but he who does not believe will be condemned." 

When I was younger, me, a friend, and my sister were playing in one of those plastic pools. So we have this bright idea after learning about John the baptist that we are going to baptize my sister. Good thing we didn't learn the story of Abraham and sacrifices that day! Ok I was not even school age and my mom was horrified when we told her what we were going to do! I'm not quite sure if we managed to get it done. She's still alive today if your wondering. Love you Emily, I was just trying to do right by God! Haha!

So pretty much you have to believe God sent his son Jesus the Messiah to earth to die for YOUR sins and raised him from the dead and be baptised. That's it! It does not say you have to be beating down the doors to the church every sunday! Do I personally think it's important, of course. It holds me accountable for sure.

Isaiah 64:6: All of our righteous deeds are as filthy rags.

Our preacher was talking about this on Easter. So pretty much on my best day I am my deeds are like filthy rags in God's eyes and when we compare ourselves to Jesus. NO ONE is perfect! Don't let them fool you. By nature we are all sinners and we all sin everyday! God sent Jesus to die for our sins so that we too could be saved. Wow! I couldn't do that. 

I cried my eyes out the first night Easton stayed away from me. I knew I had to do it after having months of sleepless nights and even more exhausting weeks in the hospital. Now I know why they use sleep deprivation to torture people in foreign countries! You parents know what I am talking about!  But, I could not imagine knowing my son would be put to death so others could live. 

Now I think God would want me NOT to do things to hurt others or myself. I would think he would want me to try, but like I said it's not your activites of daily life that are going to save you. 

This blog was not created for me to preach to you, but rather to share my thoughts on things. I have ALOT, I mean ALOT of thoughts. I'm kinda tired of keeping them to myself! 

Live your life and quit judging and living in fear of being judged. Just don't get locked out of heaven. I want to see you there.

Go youtube: Bruno Mars Pandora skit and Justin Timberlake-Veganville/Liquorville

The big brown turd

This has been weighing heavy on my heart for a few months now. After coming home with E from the hospital (which is the greatest gift that God has given me,) I have been obsessed with trying to lose this baby weight!

I thought, I'll come home at least 30lbs lighter, and the rest will just fall off! WRONG! I wish! Now I've been faced with other health probs and have been trying like crazy to get some of this weight off. Unfortunately there is probably no skinny dipping in my future, only chunky dunking for this chick!

I have always been kinda obsessed with my weight and never felt small enough. Appearance has always been very important to me. Did I get called fat growing up? Probably everyday and quite a few times to my face. Felt left out because I didn't have bookoos of $$? Yep!

I grew up with weight and self esteem issues in a family that had very little money. Me, my mom, and sister did a very good job of hiding our adversities. Most of the kids I went to school with probably had no idea of all the struggles me and my family had. And was I going to tell them? Heck no! I just wanted to be thought of a normal. Im more convinced everyday there is no such thing.

At one point in my life we didnt have a car and so my grandma who was in bailbond business, got this old brown caddillac in on a bail. Me and my friends called it the "big brown turd." Those of you that know me well are probably smiling because I know you remember it and might have even drove it! Ever seen Uncle Buck? Remember when he takes Tia to school? Lol! No it wasn't that bad, but it did look similar.

Uncle Buck! I love this movie!

Omg did that car cause me pain and embarrassment. I had my mom drop me off early to school so no one would see me get out of it! Yes that makes me ashamed now, but hey I was just a kid trying to fit in. I'm not sure I ever quite achieved that.

1 Samuel 16:7 - "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

I have to remind myself this EVERYDAY!

By the time I was a senior in hs, God slowly started showing me that appearances weren't everything, but that what was inside and my service to him was what truly mattered.

Had or have a "big brown turd" in your life? Ok not literally people! Geez! I know I've had alot of things in my life that I was self conscious about! Whether it was my weight or even a stupid car. At least it wasn't a Fiat! Lol! I promise I don't hate them. ;)

Learn from my story and embrace it. Laugh about it, tell people about it. You would be surprised how many have almost the same story. In the grand scheme of things I have learned that my weight and what I drive really does not matter. Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter. - Dr. Suess

I know God is not one of those people, he does not mind. EVERYONE is worthy of his love.

Silver Lining

Trip to Durango, Silverton, and Ouray

So hopefully most of you have seen silver lining playbook... Which is amazing by the way, but does have alot of fowl language. So beware! It definitely sparked my interest considering my work in mental health. Not such an accurate depiction of someone with bipolar, but it has a good message and is entertaining nonetheless.

Ever heard "every cloud has a silver lining?" They really do... You can see the sun shining behind creating a silver lining on the edges. Never really thought about it in the literal sense until I watched this movie.

Webster's Dictionary; silver lining:

Benefit from adversity:something that offers hope or benefit in a situation that is generally adverse.

Really there is a silver lining in every bad situation in our life, but we have to have the glass half full attitude in order to see it.

I catch myself everyday going through life and getting irritated with small, daily adversities and not to mention the huge things in life that have thrown me for a loop.

Like really Walmart? Clean the hair off your basket wheels so they drive correctly. Your laughing, but I KNOW you have thought the same thing. Instead, I should be telling myself, Thank God I can buy groceries and have a place to buy groceries because there are starving people all over the world. That gives me hope to keep shopping while my basket steers and nearly knocks into the lady with a cane next to me. :)

Or really guy that just passed me in your fiat just to switch lanes and decide to go 50 on the highway. Who will later fly past me going 90... Repeat... Repeat. Thank you Jennifer Lopez, I'm blaming you for this one! But really, I should be more like thank God I'm not driving a fiat. I'm joking. Thank God I have legs to drive, gas in my car, somewhere to go, and probably people that love me waiting at my destination. And yes that is a benefit in this adverse and frustrating situation that happens to me EVERY single day while driving to work! 

“Most people lose the ability to see silver linings even though they are always there above us almost every day.” 

― Matthew Quick

Very true, I know I do. I know those examples might not be such large adverse events, but ones we experience on a daily basis. I have had huge adversities in my life, but once I have found the silver lining things always seem to turn around.

One consistent silver lining in my life is God's love for me. Somedays I might feel he loves me more than others, but I know he is always there to pick me up when I've fell on my face.

Psalm 34:19

"Many are the hardships of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all."

I think God sometimes gives us situations in our life so that we seek him during those times. Because really when I'm laying on the beach, drinking a margarita, you think I will be looking for him to deliver me out of the darkness? Well no, I am instead thankful for the light. 

But when I get home from my oasis and find someone has broken into my house and crashed into my car, he knows I will be looking for my God to save me and give me hope. (This did not happen to me by the way just an illistration. Knocking on wood now.) Now do I think God makes bad things happen to good people? No, not necessarily. I just think we would not perhaps look to him for help unless in midst of chaos. 

Isaiah 45:7

"I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am, who does all these things."

God does do all of these things and through my life I come to realize that he has always been my silver lining. I just have to remind myself sometimes.

Like Peter

So as I was cleaning out our back bedroom and I ran across my bible from when I was little. I picked this bible because of the neon colors and it had page in the back that said sex in large letters. 

Hmmm... Never heard that word before. "Mom, what is sex?" Hey, kids are curious and I knew I had to buy it to find out. (Note: how to get a kid to buy or read a bible.) Anyways, I must have not liked my handwriting so I made my mom write in the front of it.

I was not aware that I EVER played tennis! haha! I do remember buying an anna kournikova poster at the book fair in elementary which I guess entitled to me to be good at tennis!?!? Book fair day was the best day ever! 

The bible character most like me: Peter

I probably had no idea about Peter's story. I bet I just thought the name sounded funny. Not even on my best days can I compare. I do try...

Peter was one of jesus' disciples. 

Peter's real name was simon, but Jesus gave him the nickname of Peter which means "rock." It would be like the name rocky today. Like Rocky Balboa? 

"Your gunna eat lightning and crap thunder."Sorry had to do it. My hubby is obsessed with the rocky movies. 

Anyways... Peter was VERY human and doubted and denied Jesus. (Matthew 14:25-31) Jesus went out to them on the lake and they were convinced he was a ghost. He told them to take courage and that it was him. "Lord if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." "Come", He said. Peter walked on the water toward Jesus. Peter saw the wind and doubted and began to sink. He cried "Lord save me!" Jesus reached out His hand and caught him. "You of little faith," He said, "why did you doubt?" 

Peter then went on to deny Jesus when Jesus was about to be crucified.

Jesus knew Peter had a good heart and considered him his right hand man. He also understood Peter's doubt, knew of his denial, and most of all knew he wasn't perfect. Jesus still loved him anyway. After the crucifixion, Peter went on to preach the story of Jesus and later was crucified as well.

I had a very humble childhood. I grew up with my mom and sister. We had very little money. I think we lived off allsups burritos aka gut bombs (but hey those things are AMAZING just don't forget the taco sauce) and double cheeseburgers most of the time. That was cheaper than buying groceries. We went periods of time with no car or house. Don't get me wrong, I never went without. Thanks to the best mom a girl could ever have and alot of Godly people that knew our situation. 

I cannot tell you how many times I doubted God and asked him "why?" Why me? I tried to keep my faith, but at times it was hard. I think I had alot of prayer warriors. 

Now I understand. God was humbling me to go and spread his word. I know he wants me to talk about his love for me and the fact that through all the storms that I have faced in my life, he has sheltered me, protected me, and given me life. So when you doubt or ask why, just keep the faith because God has a reason and someday it will come to light.

God is giving me the courage daily to share my story and all the wonderful things he has done in my life so that it might encourage others. Maybe he is trying to make me more like Peter.